bittersweetcyn

As I watched his memory, I couldn't help but feel angry of all he robbed my son of. there are pictures with him and his step daughter, why? why didn't he just reach out to him. The years flew by so fast. He's now dead and Drew, well his 16.
Funny how I'd tell him that I grew up without a father and he tells me, yeah me too. When does that cycle end, how can I break it. No more broken hearts, no more curses! I want the rest of my life and my children's lives to be filled with love. I know there will be troubles, the bible tells us so. But just love, guidance, I don't even know....

The memories of him come into me and sooth me as a warm cup of tea soothes your throat and warms all of your inner-self. They are few but seem more than the ones I shared with my exhusband of 11 years. Why is that? I have far more sad, lonesome memories with mike. They overcome the very little good ones. I have to say though that the memories of my children being born and staying home to raise them brings a sigh of happiness and love. That I do appreciate of MIke. He allowed me to stay home to raise the boys. Well they're not fully grown yet, but the most important years...they were with me. Well he actually had no choice. I told him that I couldn't do it all. Teach full time, and take care of a home and children all on my own. I was going insane. Always fighting some sort of bacteria trying to invade my body. It tried to get me down, but I fought it most of the time. I knew that I had to. I mean who would take care of the boys and what about work? Mike, well all he did was work, come home and play on the computer until late hours of the night. I refused to admit or look into what he was doing because of the fear that I could not have the courage to do what I needed to do. Put my foot down and say, "that's enough! You need to pay attention to me! We are newlyweds, please!" But I kept in silence, I wouldn't want him to leave me...scared to be alone. Scared to raise boys on my own.
Memories...bitter and sweet...some sinful some joyful...all the same, they take up the same amount of space in my mind.

His daughter is pregnant, my first instinct is to run....run as far away as you can. I'm only 35 and refuse to be a step grandmother. But there I go again, jumping the gun. We're only dating, well actually we're in a serious relationship. I love being with him, cuddling between his broad shoulders. He makes me feel the sigh I have longed to feel for years.
Is it selfish for me not to want to be there for his daughter? After all he was there for me through my divorce. He held me so many times as I cried, broken hearted on the floor, the tears with no end.
So do I stay for a while? Cut back on our times together? He'll be heartbroken, and I will miss him. I want to make a decision that will affect me positively in the long run.